I have no idea how to start this. I’m not a creative writer. I’m just writing this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts out of my head so that I can clear up some space for more important thoughts. I’m not sure if anyone is going to read this, and that’s ok. Right now I’m going through a lot in my life and in my own mind. I really haven’t found a great way to articulate my thoughts to other people, not even my husband, so maybe by writing down whatever pops into my head might help.
Alright, here it goes. I am 27 years old, married for three and a half years, and as of three months ago, a mommy. I was a teacher for four years and I fully plan on going back to teaching very soon. The reason I got out of teaching was because my husband joined the Air Force and we had to move. First to San Antonio, TX and now to Dayton, OH. We are both from CA, so we are very far away from “home.” The reason my husband joined the Air Force almost 2 years ago was because the teaching market in CA sucked. I was getting laid off every year. I always got hired back, but still we had to worry about my job status from March 15th until sometime in August when they would call and offer me my job back. And at least I had a job, hubby couldn’t even get a teaching job, he had to substitute teach, which wasn’t really his thing, and really wasn’t paying many bills. So, for a steady job he stepped up and joined the military.
So, that’s the general background of our lives. Now to get to the reason for starting this blog. The last couple of summers have been rough. In June of 2012 a dear neighbor from my childhood, who was very much like a grandmother to me, passed away. Then, in August of 2012 my paternal grandmother passed away. She passed away as I was driving to TX to live with my husband. I couldn’t be there for my dad and that was very difficult for me because I have always been a daddy’s girl. Then in November we found out that we were going to have a baby, and while I was so happy, I was also a little sad that my dear neighbor Louise and my “Omi” wouldn’t be able to meet the baby. However, so many people in my family were still here and everyone was so excited. I am the first daughter/granddaughter/niece to have a child on my side of the family. Then on July 21, 2013 my maternal grandfather passed away unexpectedly. I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time. I had always been very close to my grandpa. Two days later I was induced because of preeclampsia and our beautiful daughter was born. I never really had a chance to morn the loss of my grandfather. Now, 3 months later I’m still crying everyday. I’m constantly sad and anxious. I’m terrified that my beautiful baby is going to die. I am constantly worried about her, even though she is a healthy, happy baby. So, finally, my husband convinced me to get some help. So, yesterday I finally went to counseling. We are looking at ways to help me find time to grieve and get to a point where I can just enjoy my family. So this blog is to help me remember what is true. When my brain starts playing tricks on me and I start to panic I will be able to write down and look at what is true and try to keep my brain from playing tricks on me.
Anyway, baby nap time is over so more to come another day.