Hello again. Just writing because I’ve had a rough couple of days. Let’s start 2 nights ago. I had a terrible nightmare. I was at a funeral (no idea who it was for), and there were a lot of people there from high school and college. Then I turned tot he person sitting next to me and it was a friend from high school who died 7 years ago. I carried on a full conversation with him and at one point he said that it felt like we were in a relationship. I told him that I was married and had a baby now. I tried to introduce him to my husband, but my husband couldn’t see him, because of course my friend is dead. So after the funeral, I tried to call my mom and tell her that I was going crazy because I had just had a full conversation with a dead person, but when I called her she told me that a family friend who was like a grandfather to me and my brother had died. At that point I woke up from my dream in a panic. I checked my phone to make sure I had not actually called my mom and therefore our family friend was not dead. Even though I was relieved to see it was all a dream, I had to winder a couple of things. First, why did I have a dream about a friend who I haven’t really thought about in a long time? Secondly, why are all of my thoughts so fixated on death? I mean it’s even in my dreams and keeping me from sleeping at night. I need sleep whenever I can get it with a new baby and everything so I don’t need to be up writing this blog at midnight and I also don’t need to wake up from nightmares all the time. I do wake up from nightmares very frequently, but I don’t usually remember them. He one a couple of nights ago was particularly vivid though.
I am so tired! Not only am I exhausted from taking care of a three month old baby, but I’m not getting really any good sleep because of nightmares and just general panic over baby and running to check on her several times a nigh even though she is sleeping just fine. So if anyone out there is reading this, how do I get beyond obsessing about death and fear d everyone I love dying. I know I lst my grandfather right before baby was born, but people lose grandparents all the time, or some aren’t even lucky enough to ever meet their grandparents. So how do I get past this? Is anyone out there?