Having a rough day, or two

Hello again.  Just writing because I’ve had a rough couple of days.  Let’s start 2 nights ago.  I had a terrible nightmare.  I was at a funeral (no idea who it was for), and there were a lot of people there from high school and college.  Then I turned tot he person sitting next to me and it was a friend from high school who died 7 years ago.  I carried on a full conversation with him and at one point he said that it felt like we were in a relationship.  I told him that I was married and had a baby now.  I tried to introduce him to my husband, but my husband couldn’t see him, because of course my friend is dead.  So after the funeral, I tried to call my mom and tell her that I was going crazy because I had just had a full conversation with a dead person, but when I called her she told me that a family friend who was like a grandfather to me and my brother had died.  At that point I woke up from my  dream in a panic.  I checked my phone to make sure I had not actually called my mom and therefore our family friend was not dead.  Even though I was relieved to see it was all a dream, I had to winder a couple of things.  First, why did I have a dream about a friend who I haven’t really thought about in a long time?  Secondly, why are all of my thoughts so fixated on death?  I mean it’s even in my dreams  and keeping me from sleeping at night.  I need sleep whenever I can get it with a new baby and everything so I don’t need to be up writing this blog at midnight and I also don’t need to wake up from nightmares all the time.  I do wake up from nightmares very frequently, but I don’t usually remember them.  He one a couple of nights ago was particularly vivid though.

I am so tired!  Not only am I exhausted from taking care of a three month old baby, but I’m not getting really any good sleep because of nightmares and just general panic over baby and running to check on her several times a nigh even though she is sleeping just fine.  So if anyone out there is reading this,  how do I get beyond obsessing about death and fear d everyone I love dying.  I know I lst my grandfather right before baby was born, but people lose grandparents all the time, or some aren’t even lucky enough to ever meet their grandparents.  So how do I get past this?  Is anyone out there?


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